What post abortion anger looks like, for some of us.
I became depressed for a long time, seeking solace in pills and remedies, trying to get some peace in myself. My heart would leap whenever I saw a baby. I longed for another straight away. Fear and panic gripped me at times; “Will I have any more children?” I also felt anxiety and anger towards those who had influenced my decision. All these thoughts and emotions came in like a fog and I desperately wanted to break out of this stranglehold of emotion that tied me to the same place day after day. This was my post abortion anger.
“ Don’t touch me” I was very angry with my boyfriend after my abortion.
When I was intimate with my partner, on occasions, severe anger would rise up from deep within and I would want to hurt him badly. It was such a fury. It was not his fault. This anger was ruining our life.
Life at home became worse, I felt no-one understood me. I felt they blamed me, I was foolish enough to get pregnant, I couldn’t share my hurt, and it made me bitter and angry. Life for everyone seemed to move up and on. I honestly felt hatred towards my mum, I wanted her to hurt like I did.
I felt I could control those who hurt me, I thought I could close the chapter on my loss. I was so very wrong, because even when I was with all my friends I would slip into pits of despair wanting to rip my pain out and put it into someone else, just so they could feel the same way.
I would return to guilt, shame, bitterness and anger and the same feelings of wanting to tear off my flesh would rage through me as I knew I would never get my little boy back.
My anger was like a steaming, unrelenting furious cauldron of unimaginable thoughts, I would bite the inside of my lower lips to contain it. Blood was drawn at times.