Lies

My life is shattered by your lies.

Please don’t lie to me, saying that it’s ‘just’ a ten minute procedure, like a trip to the dentist and I’ll forget as soon as its over. That’s a lie. I wanted to kill myself for months.

Don’t tell me I won’t cope and that my other children will suffer if I give life to this child. That’s a lie. I have always coped, but now my children suffer more as I drown in grief and pain.

Please don’t tell me that I won’t think of it again. Other people go back to work the same day whilst I look at pictures of my children and I KNOW I should have three where I have only the two. I yearn, cry, beg, and scream to hold my baby every day. That’s a lie.

Don’t tell me I could have a mental breakdown and have my children taken into care just because I’ve had low moods in the past. That’s a lie.

Please don’t tell me the father of my unborn child is unsupportive, an idiot and will let me down. That’s a lie. Yes, things are not perfect, but as the father of this child he has a right to know. It’s not your place to make those judgements.

My life is shattered by your lies.

Please don’t tell me I’m crazy and mad to even think of having my baby, as if becoming a mother again is a burden and a problem with no joy. That’s a lie.

Don’t tell me I must think I’m better than other people to want to keep my baby. That’s a lie.

Please don’t tell me that every solution I come up with to keep my baby won’t work, it’s all on me, and that I should rethink it. It’s all just a lie.

Don’t tell me you won’t be able to support me. Don’t remind me of the difficult times I’ve been through and tell me that I won’t cope now. That’s a lie. I did get through them.

Who are you to tell me who I am and what is best for me and my children? Who are you to say that you know me better than I know myself? Who are you to put me down and tell me over and over how useless I am as a mother?

My life is shattered by your lies.

Who are you to tell me who the father of my child is and how he feels about me and his unborn child? Who are you to tell me not to tell the father of our unborn child I’m pregnant? Who are you to judge my life and tell me how to live it, when I live with the consequences every day when you can go home and forget… like a trip to the dentist?

And who am I to believe you?

You lied to me about my baby

Please don’t tell me my unborn child is just a foetus who doesn’t know anything, who doesn’t feel anything. That’s a lie. I sit and think about how my child might have suffered and the fact that as a mother I allowed it.

Don’t tell me my child doesn’t have the same rights as my existing children. That’s a lie. My children deserve the same love and rights equally.

Please don’t tell me I’m angry and grieving because I haven’t accepted responsibility for my ‘choice’. If I had made a decision without pressure from other people, free from generated fear and the need to please others, the clinic staffs untrained assumptions and the biased counselling I received – then maybe that wouldn’t be a lie.​

You let us down. You let my baby and me down. We were supposed to be together and now we are separated by your lies.