I struggle and struggle to think of words . I feel so lonely, so very lonely. My heart aches, my eyes grow dim. It is all dark, so very dark.
My hope is gone. My baby is gone. She is gone.
Empty, empty. I feel so empty. What can I do? I want her back.
Why did I do it? Why?
Pain. Pain is all around. I can’t look at anyone. Now they laugh: and I cry.
What would they think if they knew what I am going through? What would they think?
No. No I can’t go there. No. I can’t think of them. Oh how I want her, I want her to come back.
The doctors, the nurses. The pills I took. The blood, oh no. I can’t think. Oh no, I cannot think. No no no. I hurt and I hurt. Oh God if you are there. Please someone help me. Please help, help me. Shame. The shame of it all. Shame on me, shame shame.
If I just shrink here in this corner, just hide for a while. Close the curtains. Go to bed. Get inside: hide me, hide me. From the light.
If I take this, if I drink some, yes. It will help me. Yes, help me forget. I need to forget. Blind myself, blind me, numb it down. I don’t want the voices, take them away. Party on party, dance, dance it out. Choking though. Choking on the inside, churning deep inside, slicing it up with drink. Nice, warm and burning. Silly silly, stupid, loose. Who cares. I don’t care. Who cares. I don’t care any more yeah. I don’t care.
I don’t care any more. No I don’t. Yes I do. Yes I do. Oh no, oh no. Cry to sleep. Cry to sleep.
I don’t want the light. Who put the light on. Nooooo. My head hurts. “Sh*t no. Oh God I am late for work. Hair, makeup face, face oh dear. Food . No. Clothes, floor. Shoes. High. Smile girl smile. You’re OK. You’re ok. Lie to them. Lie. Tell them Granny died.
Really? Why? You don’t understand. No I won’t. Go away. I don’t believe you’re saying this to me. I like this job. No. I need the money. Please no. Please. No. I can’t tell you. Please no.
Flat flat flat. Bingo. Scored another round. Smoke in my face, smoke, drag on it drag. That feels better. Yeah. That’s better. Rock myself to sleep, rock a bye baby. Baby baby. Lord, help me. Help help.
If there is anyone out there please help.
I can’t go on like this.
I feel like I will break.